Against us

He cares for me, he loves me but I don't know if thats enough. I care for him, I love him but is that enough?

We talk of marriage. I say December; by then, I think the stars will wear off, reality will set in and it will (maybe thankfully) end.

And it will end. It seems with each week, we find more to disagree about. It frustrates me, he frustrates me. One second he is fine and the next we won't look at each other, won't speak.

I told him I want a large family. He told me thats irresponsible, told me my parents were irresponsible for having ten kids, that those kids will/are screw ups. I resent that. Am I a screw up? Are any of my siblings screw ups? No.

Life is so precious. I don 't want to deny it the opportunity of a chance at this life. And thats how I see. I won't do what I can't handle and at the moment, I feel that I could handle it.

And of course, I want the Temple. I don't want a marriage outside of it. I'm ashamed of myself. I promised myself, I promised God I would marry in the Temple. I would do my part. I haven't. I am failing. I don't like to fail. I don't like to argue.

And so, I feel the end approaches for this relationship. The odds are against us and I am in their favor.

A real man

But I've managed to get out. And now, I will admit. I am dating someone who truly cares for me, thats truly a first, which hurts me to say. There's been so much hurt, betrayal, broken trust, broken heart. The past few years were rough and I was torn so many times. I was pushed down so many times. Towards the end I became numb. And now . . . I still can't take it in. I can't understand. And so I sit here and write. Who knows how long this blog will go. Who knows how many other crazy, older guys I will date. Hopefully not too many more.

Brandon, thus far, is pretty much amazing. I can't put into words how good he has been to me. Every time I try to walk away, I can't. He wants me for me. He thinks I'm amazing, beautiful. I've never had anyone look at me the way he does; at least, not as much as he does.

He wants to make me happy, when I am sad he is sad. I can't understand what he possibly sees in me. He's handsome, charming and sometimes I'm surprised he wants me.

Hopefully these positive vibes will continue, hopefully my feelings will continue to endear me to him and hopefully it will work. But I have faith in my Heavenly Father. I know that he has a plan for me. I must trust in that plan.

Utter confusion

But sadly, this was kinda a lie. I would like to say that I was finished with men for a while. I thought wrong. I continued to talk to Matt. Plans began to form. Words of commitment began to slip from his lips and then he dropped the news. Alaska. He was going to Alaska for five months. Could I handle that? I panicked. I ended our connection.

I cried. I figured I wouldn't talk to him again but I was wrong. Days later and he was back. I found out he made out with several girls during this time. But things had begun to heat up with Taylor's Landlord and I.

Yes, this did happen. I didn't mean for it to happen. It just did. And now, we just naturally come together. I don't know what to do.

Matt was going to surprise me March 11 with a visit. Good thing I found out before. He told me because we got in a fight the week before and he confessed the surprise.

Now he is coming to visit and I am still wrapped up in the landlord, Brandon. Inactive Brandon. He took me out for Valentines, my first Valentine, and since then things haven't been the same. We've spent practically everyday together. It started out as Brandon being the friend. Taylor and I hung out with him, had a good time but I never saw anything coming from it. Nothing could come from it.

Brandon is 30-years-old, divorced, has an eight-year-old son and is not active in the church. We took him to institute last night. That was the first church activity he's attended in years.

I'd like to just walk away. I'd like to walk right into Matt's arms next weekend but I just don't know if I can. I really like Brandon. I see so much potential there, not for me but for his life in general. I don't want to be the bad example and I don't want to be another reason for his continued dislike of the church. So, I can't just walk away. I have to find a way. I'm just not sure how. So, I am currently dating two guys. I don' t know how I get in these situations.

WAY too risque for my tastes

I vowed no more kissing but it didn't last. A week after my arrival in Utah and I had a new make out buddy. Jon Diaz, the wannabe gangsta. I remember Jon from Fall 09' He had been the SRC vice president, friends with Grace (my roommate), in our ward and a lot thinner.

Jon is still living in his college days. His view of life is quite different from mine. But he was a fun make out. Actually he sucked at kissing but he made up for it in other ways. He made me laugh a lot at first. He was new to all of it but boy did he catch on fast and want to do it ALL. I said no, kept saying no.

Jon was my first brown man, my first college graduate with his own place. We had a few fun nights sleeping over at his place, too much fun and too much trouble.

The last time I came over his friend had moved in with him. I spent the night with him and in the morning I found myself in the middle of two guys, cuddling -- this was a low, an ultimate low.

I've become risqué, confident, daring and trouble. I no longer understand crushes. I don't understand affection. I don't understand dating. I don't understand love. I don't know what any of these things feel like and I don't think about what these things feel like, not the way I used to.

That’s not something I want to try again. I'm not into more than one guy at a time.

A little too much kissing

Then came friend Matt, inconsistent Matt. I'd known Matt for almost a year before we kissed. He was stuck on his ex-girlfriend, stuck on her convenience and a past that held him in limbo. She let herself become convenient. Insecurity and loneliness drove her to have sex with Matt and both were expelled from college, in their last semester.

Matt is actually still my friend, one of my best friends. We talk quite frequently. He is still extremely inconsistent. I can't put any feeling other than friends into him because he messed with me so many times. We did make out though. I insisted. He kept bringing it up and I wanted to know how good he was so we spent a few days in each other's arms, while he was talking engagement with his ex-girlfriend.

It was strange because I knew how he was. I had no intentions other than to make out. He couldn't handle that and tried for more. I didn't want more but I thought to give it a try. He ran off. No surprise.

He wasn't my last kiss. Graduation night brought Zatl. We had one last make out and that was the end of that. Zatl was never much of a lover. He was fun to wrestle with, probably my favorite but not for cuddling or much else.

I was planning to be good after this. Two guys in less than a week was a lot of guys for me. I'm really not that type of girl. Life has just become very uncertain and I don't say no when I should.

It was like kissing worms, slugs . . . gross

My most minor fling was with the first Mat--Make out Mat, firefighter Mat. It was a random Thanksgiving make out, right after a night with Zatl. I didn't see it coming. We didn’t' even talk about much. He only had one thing on his mind. He didn't have much of a life, wasn't aspiring to do much. I was lonesome and my other Matt wasn't being agreeable so I agreed to give him a back rub, which led to cuddling and then kissing and a dead stop. I wasn't interested. I called a halt. He was not a good kisser and not as attractive as I initially thought -- too redneck for my liking.

Can't forget spider-eyebrows boy

Oh and then we can't forget the minor character James or better known as Eyebrows. He was angered by a column I wrote saying that "all men are losers" he decided to email me some tart response. I replied. Then I received a phone number.

My intentions were to play with him and teach a lesson but I'm too nice. I remember he pushed me up against a door and tried having his wicked way with me during Thanksgiving break. After that he liked to chat with me about ridiculous political beliefs of his. He thought other races were inferior to ours, he thought women were inferior.

I soon learned that all he wanted was a romp in bed with me. "My grandma lives in Utah, she goes to bed at 10 p.m. she has a basement, with a bed." I felt like screwing with his head and not his body when he proposed this, so I just replied with what I thought was funny, "Can I bring a gallon of ice cream? Ooooh and a pizza? I might get the munchies. Oh and can I bring a drink too? We could have a bring your own beverage make out." He freaked about this.

I just couldn't get beyond the eyebrows, his constant twitching and his scrawny body. Spider legged eyebrows just aren't my thing and I couldn't add that to my list of kisses--he wasn't even attractive. I like them hot.