Which brings me to Kelly. The night before James came to visit I went to a dance with Kelly. You must understand something about that relationship. Kelly was the first guy I seriously dated, who was older than me and he was the tallest and from the first day he would always talk about marriage. I had actually met Kelly months before, fallen for him only to have him disappear. He had talked about marriage then. He always talked about marriage. For a girl who craved marriage those were words of commitment.
He contacted me month's later, right when I was falling for James. I now realize Kelly was just looking for a casual make out. Apparently that was his reputation. Too bad I was still innocent, naïve or else I may I have gone for it and have never been hurt in the process.
I went to that dance and I fell. I had received so little attention when I was younger. At the time I still saw myself as ugly, insignificant. I grabbed at whatever was within my reach.
I continued to ask to see him, to spend time with him. Meanwhile he was dating, flirting, proposing, kissing and loving other girls.
I did make him wait 3 months before he could kiss me. One evening he had a conversation with my roommate in the library; he told her how I was a "10" in his eyes until I told him I wasn't ready to kiss, to make out, to prostitute my lips and that’s when the number started dropping in his eyes. So, I kissed him. My first real kiss was in an abandoned house, at night, by the temple.
Oh the shame. I knew I was being manipulated and I let myself be manipulated. He was my dirtiest lover. I'm not talking about all the rules he broke and there were plenty. He was just secretive with his actions. He broke rules without saying a word and dragged me along with him--I had no words of my own at that time. I was so infatuated with the ideas of him that he put into my head that I let it all happen. He was a dirty lover because he never communicated to me about the dirty things we did together until his conscious kicked in . . . his selfish conscious. He wasn't worried about sullying my reputation, only his own.
I'm not upset that I was lead on for six months. I'm mostly chagrined that I let myself fall for someone so abusive and disturbed.
I used to walk 20 minutes in the snow for him. He never picked me up, he never dropped me off, he always made me walk and he owned a car. He used to make lists of all the things wrong with me, all the things I lacked. He never asked what he lacked. He'd tell me he didn't love. He'd cheat on me. He walked all over me. He told me he wanted a dancer because they had promise in the bedroom. Told me I wasn't funny enough. Told me I wasn't sexy enough. Told me my clothes needed to be tighter fitting. Told me what he wanted wasn't me. Told me he was still in love with his first girlfriend from when he was nineteen.
I suspected Kelly looked at pornography. He made references to how my body wasn't good enough. He was obsessed with the fear that his wife would get fat. He was obsessed with his wife having an ideal body (his wife doesn't). He was aggressive and bordering on abusive.
I remember he told me a story from his mission, where he beat a dog to death while on his mission. One evening he pulled out his scriptures, covered in fur. He claimed a car hit the dog and he was just putting it out of its misery. But why would he hang the dog up by its legs, beat it with a stick and then skin it to cover his scriptures?
Kelly really wasn't a nice person. There were things I saw along the way. He was rude to people. He ripped people off. Took money from people who had none. He incited his exes, said hurtful things to them. He was mean to his parents. A lot of it probably stemmed from his father. His father was aggressive and I have a feeling slightly abusive. His mother was quiet, submissive. She always reached out with love toward Kelly and he always bit her hand.
His idea of playing with children was making them cry. He had a tendency to torture his little nieces and nephews, laughing at their pain. He liked to cause me pain. He liked to tell me everyday that I wasn't good enough, and yet I stuck around.
If that doesn't strip you of all your worth then I don't know what does. None of my friends liked him, none of his friends liked him and his family simply endured him. But I don't blame him. I blame myself for being taken advantage of, manipulated and degraded. I blame myself for holding on to something so empty, so shallow.
I spent so many sleepless nights, so many deluded fantasies on a construction worker, on a man whose forehead you could park a plane, on a man that was abnormally proportioned and looked like a molester when his hair was long.
I guess the greatest hurt; the greatest blow was that my friend married him. They had never met until we prank called her. He saved her number. She flirted with him mercilessly while pretending to be my friend. We were still dating and they were cheating. I still remember her asking me all about him. I thought she was being nice, trying to understand why I loved him. But really she was learning how to manipulate him. He already knew how to manipulate her.
Karisa, that is her name, was a tramp. Her low self-esteem had caused her to put- out for a lot of losers. She knew it too and always felt guilty about it. Her parent's continuous discontent with each other, their children and Karisa's paranoia with her figure caused her to manipulate her way into marriage. Kelly married her because I dumped him, he was horny, he'd graduated with out a job lined up and was living at home and had jno girls left to use; he had to find something to do with his time.
I feel sorry for Karisa, she never over came that low self-esteem. So many girls don't and they bring it into marriage with them. That low self-esteem leaves them open to manipulation and abuse, which is what she will face in the future.
I too used to be like that. But I was blessed; I was able to realize the foolishness of the situation. A social worker actually helped end my relationship with Kelly. Everyone had expressed his or her dislike of my relationship and the man I was dating. NO one supported my relationship and all dearly hoped it would end. It took a stranger who was able to diagnose my relationship --without even knowing my relationship-- to bring my head out of the clouds.
I was only in love with the idea of him--we couldn't even hold a conversation; but I would have done anything for him. So, while on a trip to see him in Utah, my best friends Dad pointed out how wrong our relationship was. I knew the night before he told me, when I was with Kelly, holding his hand that it was over. I couldn't handle the distance, the discontent, and the unrequited love. I dropped him.
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